Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Father of the Year


I tried pretty hard not to totally shit on Michael Jackson's death a few days ago (not to mention Elvis) but it turns out I needn't have bothered. Joe Jackson, Jesse Jackson (no relation), and Al Sharpton have decided they they would go ahead and shit on MJ's death just prior to dividing up and consuming the corpse. 

They started the healing process with a press conferance full of crazy - some of the healing is quoted below;

  • Joe Jackson says the funeral will not be closed to the public, as his son would likely have wanted a similar type of service.
  • In a bizarre move that came across as self-serving, Jackson bookended the press conference not with news on his son's death but with plugs for a new musical endeavor—something called Ranch Records.
  • "[MJ's Kids] are happy with the kids that they're around ... We have kids back there who are small just like they are. They [were] never around other kids," Jackson said.
  • "We love those kids still," he said. "We're going to take care of them and give them the education they're supposed to have. We can do that.
It is fucking heatwarming the way they 'still' love his kids - I just hope none of them can sing or dance or Joe is going to shove a bit into their mouth and ride them into the ground before sharing their corpses with those other two ghouls.

I presume they followed that up with funeral preparations - just normal stuff like getting T-Shirts printed up, getting kickbacks from vendors who want to set up booths, setting the price of admission, and I presume considering any other way they can possibly make money from this ... I would not be suprised to be able to buy jewlery made of his bones. Oh - and a commemorative coin has to be on the way but I cannot blame that on them ... apperantly the Franklin Mint has decided that the really classy way to handle anything is to put it on real Liberian Currency. Just once I want to walk into a Liberian mini-mart and buy a coke with a handful of Elvis and Obama coins - this would be followed up with me dodging their machettes and AIDS to make my heroic escape. 

Yeah -- that about wraps it up.

Link to the father of the year;

Monday, June 29, 2009

Can the next vote be to execute them?


I cannot recall ever watching the E! network but they had a viewer vote that resulted in the banning of Spencer Pratt and his better half (which says how fucking horrific he is) Heidi from further coverage - so the network must not be too bad. Speaking of Heidi - I don't know where the picture above came from, but I expect it was taken right after she saw clearly for the first time the type of person she was. I guess the moment passed.

With any luck someone can now take it one step further and get something into the next national election to have these two annoying retards fired into the sun, or thrown into Mt Doom,  or whatever the hell you do to kill 'reality stars'. Honestly I think as long as the execution was public these two whores wouldn't even be all that upset about their impending doom. 

At the very least I would like to see the two of them banned from T.V. until one of the networks get on board for my amazing reality show "Celebrity Saw Titanic Monkey Fight' that has been my dream to make for roughly two weeks.

By the time I finished this update I was so bored I almost for got to post the link;

Friday, June 26, 2009

Michael Jackson lost the ranch but bought a farm


So - I don't know if you have heard or not but Michael Jackson died yesterday. I only heard because it has been on news pretty much non-stop and apparently some of my 'friends' on Facebook worshipped him, which is news to me. Given the fact that if I saw him walking up the street I would have shot him in the head (not because he is an acquitted pedophile - because he looks like a fucking zombie) I am only shocked that he did not die sooner. It honestly would not shock me if it turns out he died eight years ago and just did not stop walking until now. 

Alot of people are comparing this to when Elvis died - and I think there is alot of justice to that. 

Both of them had a huge impact on music when they were younger which gave both of them alot more gravitas in the music/entertainment industry then was warranted when they were older. 

Both of them went from being attractive talented young men to being fucking weirdo's of the type usually only seen in old timey carnival sideshows. 

Both of them did not end up playing out the end of their careers in Vegas - but MJ was at one point in talks to be a resident performer in Vegas and was arrested for child molestation there. So that is kind of another similarity. 

I would not trust either of them with my kid - but for different reasons. 

In the end it probably would have been better for both of these guys if they would have died sooner - they both lived long enough to stain their incredible legacies. I am trying very hard not to shit on them both in this post. 

Anyway - so long MJ .... I guess God just needed a.... whatever the fuck you are. 

I posted a picture from back before he was a zombie - oh and I was going to post a link to the story but seriously - you can't fucking swing a dead cat without hitting an article about it. 

Thursday, June 25, 2009

This is old news but...


Megan Fox ignored some chunky kid with a flower - yadda yadda - it has been covered by all the sites that are better than mine. 

The only reason I am posting this is they keep showing the (hot) picture above and for some reason instead the picture making me think about having some form of sex with (or near) Megan Fox it just keeps making me think of the movie 'Bad Santa'. I am sure this kid is not the train wreck that the kid from the movie is - but it keeps bringing me there ... and I am not complaining because it makes me laugh but.... 

Maybe I will just crop him out of the picture. 

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

WTF? People are still talking about this?


Perez Hilton said he was sorry that he used that word 'Faggot' but that Will.I.Am still is one ... or something like that.

Seriously why does anyone care - the only thing that is surprising in all this is that more people have not smacked around Perez sooner. Honestly I blame society - if we were not so fucking PC in America these days Perez would have had his attitude beaten out of him back in Jr. High.

Following my long standing tradition of not posting pictures of Perez Hilton (ugly people make me sad) please enjoy the somewhat related picture above - guess Perez would have liked to bump into Archie on that day ....get it? Because it sounds like he masturbated all 3 or those guys... I got nothing.

Link to the story - I am not gonna read it but you might...

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Actions have consequences? ... who knew!?


I have a pretty simple policy that does not allow me to post pictures of Perez Hilton - that also extends to Madonna and the "Two Girls One Cup" video. Pretty much in that order. Enjoy more Wonder Woman - God knows I will when I am alone.

So Perez Hilton decided it was ok to call Will.I.Am a 'faggot' - it ended with him being smacked around and that lead to the following explosion of twittering;

PerezHilton: I’m in shock. I need the police ASAP. Please come to the SoHo Metropolitan Hotel now. Please.

PerezHilton: I was assaulted by Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas and his security guards. I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke.

PerezHilton: Still waiting for the police. The bleeding has stopped. I need to document this. Please, can the police come to the SoHo Met Hotel.

PerezHilton: I spoke to my lawyer. I really need to talk to the authorities. Please come to the SoHo Met Hotel. Have called the police. Need them here.

Remember this 'Fun Fact' kids - twitter is not the best way to call for help. I know that if someone whipped out their cellphone while I was kicking their ass and started typing away on their tiny qwerty keyboard while crying hysterically it would just make me want to kick them more ... hell if anything it would let me know that I had exactly infinity minutes before the police came. He might as well have tried to shine a bat-signal on a cloud with one of those keychain flashlights.

Given my knowledge of the law it is my opinion that Perez got pretty much what was coming to him. Next time I hope he gets mouthy with someone with less restraint - like Chris Brown ... I bet Rihanna is not going to be getting mouthy with him again.

On a related note - I hope that Chris Brown tries his shit on someone with less vagina then Rihanna - like Bruce Willis, or Mr. T or .... that big Transformer that turns into a spaceship or ..... well you know what the fuck I mean.

Link below because I did not make it to that 'award' show;

http://www.kxmc.com/News/Nation/395379.asp


Monday, June 22, 2009

Hey Gay-People - I am here to help.


 The gays have long aspired to have the same rights as other people; the ability to work, fight in wars, and even the right to marry each other. Whether gays are making us laugh on TV, teaching us how to dress, or making the military a little more fabulous they have made great strides working their way into the televisions and hearts of straight people everywhere. The one thing they have not accomplished is keeping enough people on board to give them the final ultimate right, the right to briefly marry and then divorce the person of their choice – just like 'normal' people. Now, as a thank you from us straight guys for teaching us how to look just a little more super, I want to give you a couple ideas to help you keep reaching toward the stars!

1.   For the love of God stop having gay pride parades. 
Everyone loves a parade, but please keep in mind that you want people to think that you are ready for the ultimate commitment of marriage – we are talking the most important decision you will make (two or more times on average) in your life. A parade can do more to set you back than anything else – just ask the Irish, the Saint Patrick’s day parade almost prevented them from being able to vote in this country, and all they did was get piss drunk and fight each other in the streets. It makes it hard for us to think you are really serious about the solemn vows of heterosexuality’s greatest invention when you have an entire parade of men in ass-less chaps walking pet midgets, riding unicycles, and doing Broadway dance routines. By the way, any of these activities would probably be fine if you were wearing something else - maybe Dockers and a nice polo shirt. 

2.   Pick better representatives. 
We all understand how hard this can be, just ask black America and they will tell you, but this has to be addressed as soon as possible. You need better representation in the media, and don’t tell us you don’t have the personnel available because we have all seen trannys (or is ladyboy the politically correct term?) on The Maury Povich show that made us briefly question how important a vagina is to sex. You guys pretty much own the media – why you did not get Tom Cruise and John Travolta to be your spearhead couple back in the early 90’s will always be a mystery. You have got to get some people in front of us to make us think that gay marriage is not just a good idea but the best idea ever. To be fair it looks like you tried, you sent in your lesbians first which is always a good move when dealing with us ‘Normals’ but you made a tragic misstep and sent your grizzled old commanders instead of your front line fighters. Remember – image, image, image. 
          
This couple won in the courts



BUT             


This couple wins our hearts and minds

Now no one is saying you can't be fabulous - just be a little less fabulous until you get the whole marriage thing rolling ... then you can go back to having your parades be just as fucking bat-shit crazy as you want. 
 

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Migraine headache brings (un)popular site to a halt


No - I did not have the good sense to give up blogging (like I presume the majority of bloggers do) but am under attack from the migraine fairy (pictured above).

I will update again when I don't alternate between wanting to vomit from the pain and nausea and .... well there is really no other thing to alternate with that. 

Friday, June 12, 2009

Madonna steals another baby


Nothing in heaven or earth can compel me to post a picture of Madonna, and keep in mind I just posted a picture of Chastity Bono this morning - so yeah. Instead enjoy the picture of Wonder Woman fighting her way through all odds to get to the one thing that can save the world ... my penis. 

Oh - and Madonna was able to steal another baby, I did not bother to read the article but I presume she flew down on her ragged harpy wings and carried it off in her talons or something. 

"It's the early hours in New York now but my client has been awake all night waiting for this," Madonna's Malawi lawyer, Alan Chinula, tells PEOPLE


Link is below,


So wait... Is Chastity Bono changing into a woman?


So all I really read about this is the following headline from the AP;

Chastity Bono announces sex change


Does this mean she is changing back into a woman? Does this mean she is adding a second penis to be some kind of new UBER man that will rule all of us that only have one penis and one set of testicles? Did this already happen and the story is just late coming out? 

Seriously, what the hell? Is this 'Gender Confusion' thing all the kids are talking about mean that you are confused about someone's gender? If so than I guess I am suffering from gender confusion. 

Link below if you want to try to make some sense of it. 

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Don't let PC make you it's bitch


I am not talking about the chunky pale guy in the bad suit who argues with the Mac guy, but actually the title would apply to that as well. You do not want ol' PC doing the scene from 'Deliverance' on you.

Three radio DJ's in Sacramento I never heard of on a radio station I never listen to said some shit about Transgendered people that I have not met.

The on-air personalities of the "Rob, Arnie & Dawn" show on 98.5 KRXQ-FM have been off air this week after heated reaction to comments made May 28 about transgender teens. On that broadcast, disc jockeys Rob Williams and Arnie States labeled transgender people freaks, weirdos and drama queens.


This would not usually be something I would give two shits about, and honestly I only barely care - but there is nothing else that has caught my interest yet this morning. The interesting (ish) part of this story is that the three of them were then suspended from their jobs and had to come back on the air and apologize for it -- which they did, profusely and on bended knee(s).

"I want you to very clearly understand that I proudly and fully apologize for those comments completely."

As all of us remember (because it was covered by the media as if alien life had been discovered) former Miss California Carrie something-or-other also got into a big controversy for saying that she did not believe in gay marriage (as opposed to opposite marriage - whatever the hell that is) which put Perez Hilton's big panties in a wad.

Now I don't know what part of America some of these people grew up in, but I presume it was full of Care Bears and rainbows. In the part of America I grew up in you went to places like public school to learn that if you are a fat pale weird homo (Perez, looking in your direction) you need to develop a thick skin and not let every little thing someone says bother you -- especially since I just listed four separate reasons why Perez Hilton would have been made fun of at my High School. Same goes if you are a boy who tapes it back and buys a prom dress or a girl who has a mullet and wears alot of flannel. Or for that matter one of those pimply kids that like math and talk about Star Trek and dragons - the ones most of us now work for.

Believe me, I've got nothing against the gays. I don't want anyone to be physically harmed or chased with torches. I am all for letting you have all the same rights as me. You want to marry a dude that's your business - hell marry 3 dudes I don't give a shit. For that matter you want to be a polygamist and have a half dozen wives (not child brides) then God love you. Hell if you want to marry a rock or tree send me the invite and let me know where you are registered. Cross dress all you like - screw it, go all out and dress as a different gender and species. There are really not enough transgendered unicorns covered in glitter - so do that.

See, the thing is my life is not impacted by who you marry, who you love, or what you put in your mouth.

So gays, trannys (or ladyboys if you prefer), fatties, geeks, polygamists (Mormon or otherwise), litigious religious fanatics that fear Xenu, various ethnicity's, or whoever else you are - if you are a citizen then be proud of whatever shit you are into and leave me the hell out of it.

But don't ask me not to talk shit about it. You have the option of not paying the least bit of attention to me or saying some shit back - or going all old school and shit and throwing down with me ... I suppose a dance off or rap battle might also be allowable, however I think the dance off gives you an unfair advantage.

Grow a thicker skin - just because you are a ladyboy (or tranny if you prefer) does not mean you have to be a sissy.

-IPHY Fun Fact- All of my friends are either total right wing wackjobs or left wing commies, this post will probably piss off both. Yay!!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I don't get it


So I guess Great White Sharks need to be protected for some reason? I am pretty sure the whole point of 'Jaws' was that they eat people attack boats and need to die. 

Last week, Jessica Alba plastered posters of a great white shark  across different spots in Downtown Oklahoma City.  These locations included Stage Center and a railroad overpass near Bricktown.  And she did it all to bring awareness to the dwindling great white shark population.


I am still new to this whole 'Green' thing, and it only makes any sense at all to me when I am looking at Miranda Kerr tied to a tree (see below - it is regrettably not as creepy as it sounds), but this sounds like we are trying to protect nature's serial killer. 

I like Jessica Alba - but she is going to have to be alot more naked before this starts making any sense to me. 

P.S. She said she was sorry later, and she should be - those sharks want to kill you and everything you believe in. Or maybe she was sorry about the posters ... I dunno - I kind of space out when celebrities make speakie sounds like they are people. 

My crack team of detectives did not bust this one wide open in time so the link to the story I read is below

STOP THE PRESSES!!


Words cannot express my shock


After months of speculation about American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert's sexuality, the rocker tells Rolling Stone he is gay and even had a crush on winner Kris Allen.



I have not been this shocked since Clay Aiken Came out of the closet - which was nearly as shocking as when Rosie O'Donnal said she was gay.

In a related story - I still like vagina.

Link below so you do not think I am making this up (about Adam Lambert not about me liking girl parts)



Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Hey Television Why do you lie?



Let me start by saying there is nothing in this world that could compel me to post a current picture of Janice Dickinson. When I see her now I can't believe I masturbated to pictures of her when she was younger. 

Now on with the show...

The other night my wife told me that they were going to lock Janice Dickinson in a tank that was filling with water and alligators, and once I remembered who the hell Janice Dickinson was I was down for that. 

It was pretty disappointing. She did not die, hell she was not even maimed, and she had to go back to her camp and tell all the other glamorous celebrities that she failed - which in this case meant Lou Diamond Phillips because I did not have a clue who the hell the other people were. 

When they went to commercial I found out that the name of the show is "Something something Celebrity something".

Wait, what? 

Seriously, does anyone else think these people are celebrities? The rest of the cast was basically the two fat guys that are not Alec Baldwin, That effeminate Indian (dot not feather) kid that sang poorly on American Idol, and those two retards that someone had to explain to me were from some Mtv show (hey Mtv - go back to showing music so you can stop sucking so much) - oh and I think the black guy might have been from something sports related. The fact that the show was a shitload of stupid is almost besides the point. I felt so strongly about this for about 5 minutes that I decided to write a strongly worded letter to the people that run television - you know like the U.N. does when crazy ass dictators build nuclear weapons or support genocide.

Dear Television People;

Reality show contestants are not celebrities, retards from shows that pretend to be reality shows are also not celebrities. People who play professional sports might be celebrities - but you should see if they are in any shoe or sport drink advertisements before casting them. You should be fucking ashamed when a show that uses the word "Celebrity" in the title does not even rise to the level of "Celebrity Fit Club" - which also made baby Jesus cry. I hate you so much.

P.S. thanks for bringing back "Scrubs". 

Somehow I don't think they will listen and we will continue to have whiny reality (and pretend reality) show fucktards shoved down our throats. Let me make the next reality show for these bastards to be on - It will be like having the Movie Saw 3 take place on the Titanic while chimpanzies are rampaging and eating feet on the upper decks. 

I am not even sure that last line made sense but I am liking it. I have to package this idea off to the right people.

Dear Televison People,

Please help me make Celebrity Saw Titanic Monkey Fight a reality. 




David Carradine vs Rope and Genitals or possibly Ninja's update


So after abo
ut 5 seconds of thought most people came to the conclusion that the beloved star of Kung Fu (not Bruce Lee) hung himself while jerking off -- hey it is common, who hasn't thought about choking themselves just a bit while masturbating? Hell if more people were ambidextrous people would probably be dieing left and right.

This theory was bolstered by information like this;

“There was a rope tied around his neck and another rope tied to his genitals, and the two ropes were tied together and they hung in the closet,” Lieutenant General Worapong Siewpreecha said, the Times Online reported. “Under these circumstances we cannot be sure that he committed suicide.”

However, to be fair, that is not the only posibility;

"A secret sect of kung fu assassins could have silenced actor David Carradine as he delved into their shadowy activities, according to his family's lawyer.

In a twist that could be straight out of one the "Kill Bill" star's movies, attorney Mark Geragos suggested that Carradine may have been killed as he tried to uncover groups working in the martial-arts underworld.

The lawyer said the actor's family refuses to believe he died in a sadomasochistic sex stunt gone wrong -- despite his being found naked with a rope tied around his neck, wrists and genitals."


Now just to be even more fair keep in mind that Mark Geragos also tried to convince people that Lacey Peterson was abducted and killed by cultists, that Chris Brown was just blocking Rihanna's repeated headbutts with his fists, and that Michael Jackson always acts totally appropriate with the little boys he has over for sleep overs and wine tasting.

Just saying.


Link is below just so you do not think i am making this shit up....

http://www.nypost.com/seven/06072009/news/regionalnews/whacky_kung_fu_172948.htm


Thursday, June 4, 2009

David Carradine got caught by Mr. Dead


Some of the news stories say it might have been suicide, he was apperently found hanging. If it was not suicide than I don't want to piss off whoever he did - it takes a special kind of killer to hang your ass - like that evil samuri ghost thing that killed Bruce Lee, or so I was lead to believe in the movie about his life. 

However why the evil samuri ghost who killed Bruce Lee would want to kill the man that stole his dreams of starring in 'Kung-Fu' .... wait I lost the thought. Nevermind. 

Link the news is below, it is not like I have insider info or anything. 


WTF is a Facebook?

So the other day I started randomly doing google searches on people I was tight with back in the day - which for me would be around 1988/89 or so. Whenever I do this I always get kind of the 'Cold Case' montage in my head - you know where they play some music from Journey or R.E.M or something and suddenly you see you and all your friends gathered around dressed in period clothes with perm'd hair and crap. 

I digress....

Anyway so the only differance is this time I actually found someone (My friends were not the type of people you would find on the interweb - unless they could somehow smoke it, steal it, or beat you with it) in my google results instead of only finding gay pornstars that somehow have the same names as my high school friends. In this case I found one of the best friends I ever had, a guy named Sam who was my first really true friend. 

To get in contact with him I had to make a facebook page, and that led me to two bits of consternation... 

1. I dont know how the hell to set up my facebook page, it is not at all what i expected and it is somehow both smarter and dumber than me. The page currently looks as stylish and organized as a Tiajuana strip bar (you know the one Sam) and I think everytime I type something it gets brodcast to anyone stupid enough to add me as a friend. 

and 

2. There are alot more people on Facebook than I thought ... I am told at least a couple thousand. Turns out the chances of me knowing people on Facebook are greater than expected. You ever think about how great things were in High School and think how cool it would be to talk to old friends and than have the possibility of doing so and realize that it probably is not the best idea? 

Yeah that. 

But on the upside at least I can talk to Sam again. 

This post did not even amuse me, luckily as per my intro post I dont expect anyone will actually read it so no worries. 

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

I agree with whatever the hell she is saying


I may need to rethink all this 'Green' shit - maybe it is not as stupid as I always assumed...


The blog title could have been "You Probably Wont See This"

I dont really 'get' blogging. 

I have friends (ok not friends but people I know) that blog and I always wonder what the hell the point is... who reads it? I figure that their mom might read it, some of their friends might claim to read it - but honestly the only person that probably reads the damn thing is the person who wrote it and the girl they just broke up with. 

I doubt most people who blog are celebrities, people seem to care what celebrities think for some retarded reason, so most (almost all) people (who blog)  have their precious and so amazingly lucid insights wasted on a page that no one is going to look at unless it has the words "hot teen anal blowjob celebrity nudity ipod bailout obama limbaugh" worked in at some point and it happens to come up on google. 

So basically I am typing up shit that is going through my head that no one but me will probably ever read, and I am wording it as if you are reading it ... that is a total mind fuck. 

I might post more later and make someone I know read it.