Monday, June 22, 2009

Hey Gay-People - I am here to help.

 The gays have long aspired to have the same rights as other people; the ability to work, fight in wars, and even the right to marry each other. Whether gays are making us laugh on TV, teaching us how to dress, or making the military a little more fabulous they have made great strides working their way into the televisions and hearts of straight people everywhere. The one thing they have not accomplished is keeping enough people on board to give them the final ultimate right, the right to briefly marry and then divorce the person of their choice – just like 'normal' people. Now, as a thank you from us straight guys for teaching us how to look just a little more super, I want to give you a couple ideas to help you keep reaching toward the stars!

1.   For the love of God stop having gay pride parades. 
Everyone loves a parade, but please keep in mind that you want people to think that you are ready for the ultimate commitment of marriage – we are talking the most important decision you will make (two or more times on average) in your life. A parade can do more to set you back than anything else – just ask the Irish, the Saint Patrick’s day parade almost prevented them from being able to vote in this country, and all they did was get piss drunk and fight each other in the streets. It makes it hard for us to think you are really serious about the solemn vows of heterosexuality’s greatest invention when you have an entire parade of men in ass-less chaps walking pet midgets, riding unicycles, and doing Broadway dance routines. By the way, any of these activities would probably be fine if you were wearing something else - maybe Dockers and a nice polo shirt. 

2.   Pick better representatives. 
We all understand how hard this can be, just ask black America and they will tell you, but this has to be addressed as soon as possible. You need better representation in the media, and don’t tell us you don’t have the personnel available because we have all seen trannys (or is ladyboy the politically correct term?) on The Maury Povich show that made us briefly question how important a vagina is to sex. You guys pretty much own the media – why you did not get Tom Cruise and John Travolta to be your spearhead couple back in the early 90’s will always be a mystery. You have got to get some people in front of us to make us think that gay marriage is not just a good idea but the best idea ever. To be fair it looks like you tried, you sent in your lesbians first which is always a good move when dealing with us ‘Normals’ but you made a tragic misstep and sent your grizzled old commanders instead of your front line fighters. Remember – image, image, image. 
This couple won in the courts


This couple wins our hearts and minds

Now no one is saying you can't be fabulous - just be a little less fabulous until you get the whole marriage thing rolling ... then you can go back to having your parades be just as fucking bat-shit crazy as you want.