Monday, December 21, 2009

Ashton Kutcher is all :( that Brittney Murphey Died



If it were physically possible for me to cry Ashton Kutcher's touching farewell to Brittney Murphey would have had tears streaming down my face like a rape victim  sad princess.

Today Ashton got on twitter and pushed the following prose out to the universe;


"2day the world lost a little piece of sunshine. My deepest condolences go out 2 Brittany's family, her husband, & her amazing mother Sharon."

 But wait there's more - he followed with;

"see you on the other side kid."

Damn twitter for limiting the amount of characters you can put into a message ... but then again I don't think they intended it to be used to deliver a eulogy for a former girlfriend. All I know is that he must have really loved her  to go out of his way to twitter something about her death. 


I think you can do less .... somehow. I would h8 to be as :( as he must be. 


Oh and if you happen to read this Ashton - what I wrote may be a little subtle for you - basically I am saying you are a dick. 

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

So ... Tiger hates condoms but loves whores..... sounds smart

So alot of the stuff I am glossing over says that Tiger went bareback with the (nearly) dozen sluts we know about ..... God knows how many we don't know about. This leads me to believe either;

a - he is invulnerable and cannot be infected by any human STD.

or

b - he is fucking retarded.

Yeah.... one or the other.


Get gifts for them and cashback for you. Try Bing now.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

IPHY Format Change



For the dozens of people that accidentally stumble onto my site I figured I should mention that I am changing the format so that I can continue to fill the internet with vile crap.

Some of my posts will now be shorter or done through a mobile device (so will not have a picture - until I figure out how to do that.)

Enjoy.

Happy Holidays My Ass



So the other day I was talking to a fellow manager at the corporation that was stupid enough to make me the manager of a department and he mentioned that he only tells people 'Happy Holidays' because saying 'Merry Christmas' is too exclusionary and he didn't want to offend anyone.

I laughed and told him he was a gigantic pussy and he was the reason that America is going in the toilet...... conversation kind of tapered off at that point.

I kept thinking about it though.

Who the hell is he worried about offending? The only people I know who would be offended by someone wishing them a 'Merry Christmas' are other gigantic pussies and atheists.

I used to have a Muslim coworker - and if he would have wished me a happy Ramadan I wouldn't have been offended, I would have been delighted that he was not calling me an intolerant asshole for once. If someone right now came up and wished me a happy Hanukkah I would wish it right back at em. I don't think I know a single Jew or Muslim that is offended that I celebrate Christmas, I know some Christian's that get offended by the fact that I celebrate it in a strip club - but that is a whole different thing.

If I got offended that a Muslim told me 'Happy Ramadan' he would think I was a dick, and he would be right. Not only that - if I was offended by his Ramadan greetings the world would brand me an intolerant bigot, and honestly I don't think that would be out of line. So why in the hell do people expect others to be offended by 'Merry Christmas"?

Recently some Best Buy in Detroit put out an ad that wished everyone a happy Eid-al Adha - which made some people all butthurt, but - honestly - does anyone sane give a shit? I hope everyone did have a happy Eid-al Adha, and I presume most Muslims hope that I have a kick-ass Christmas. For that matter I hope you have an uneventful Tet and a happy day celebrating whatever crazy shit Scientologist's have a day for.

I would really be interested in knowing if I have this all wrong, and if other faiths are actually pissed when they see Christmas trees and decorations all over the place this time of year. I honestly don't give a shit if the streets look like Christmas, Hanukkah, and Ramadan exploded all over societies proverbial face. Crosses, Santa's, Dreidels, and uh ....something Ramadan-ish (there actually is not a set decoration for Ramadan it turns out). The point is I don't give a crap what holiday you decide to celebrate and I would expect the same consideration.

I honestly think that the only people all that worried about Christmas being exclusionary are douches with an agenda to push that honestly don't give a crap about inclusion - they just want a vehicle to prove how intolerant/racist/fascist America is.

So Merry Christmas - and if that offends you then suck it.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I don't have alot of time anymore.....



Someone was recently stupid enough in the 'suit' world to put me in charge. That means I have less time to write about how much I hate reality TV or go into detail about which celebrities or female superheros I would want to put my penis in.

I am still going to post here and at hubpages  - just not as often till I break the will of all those who oppose me.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Is Somalia Going Too Far?




Never let it be said that I am not a fan of firm breasts, however I think we all agree there needs to be sane limits on breast regulation....

Residents tell the paper that (al Shabaab) gunmen have been gathering women in Mogadishu who are perceived to have firm busts. 


Ok, so I guess all of us are not in agreement.Can we at least make this something where no one goes overboard on the punishment?

These women are then publicly whipped by masked men as punishment for what Islamist leaders call deception.

Publicly whipped for having breasts that are not up to al Shabaab's high standards, I hope that they at least let the women they publicly whip for having deficient (to the men of al Shabaab) breasts keep some small dignity.

After the public whippings, the women are forced to remove their bras and shake their breasts, the Times reported.

Classy.... really classy. Fuck you Somalia, I can see why tourism is down.

On a somewhat related note don't go to Somalia if you like movies, musical ring-tones, dancing at weddings, or playing or watching soccer. You will only be disappointed .... well if you're lucky you will only be disappointed.

Oh and the picture above has almost nothing to do with the story - I needed a picture of a woman in a burqua but I like the sexy .... this seemed like a reasonable compromise.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

A book so vulgar it kicked John Davis in his vagina

Who the fuck is John Davis and why does his vagina hurt? I'm glad you asked.

John Davis is a father in Vinton Virginia who is very, very, butthurt about his son reading the book 'Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephan Chbosky, which according to John is filled with "very descriptive" language about masturbation, drugs, and the gay. Reading this will, of course, lead an impressionable young man to masturbating another guy while doing lines of coke off the back of another guy that he's making sweet buttlove to.

"My first reaction when I saw the contents of the book was anger," Davis told FOXNews.com. "I was infuriated .....They're corrupting his mind with this garbage."

That is what books do - first they corrupt you ....then they control you.

Back in 4th grade I had to read "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" and I started hanging out with talking lions and killing witches. This book is (I guess) even worse and society cannot have schools giving impressionable young children books that are going to make them use drugs or give them the gay.

Of course in this case there are a few things that differ from my sad childhood literary rape. In this case John's son is fucking sixteen years old and, oh yeah, the school did not assign this book to the students. In this case he got the book from a friend of his that had gotten the book from a teacher. Why did the teacher give the book to the original student? Who cares - let his parents worry about it.

Hey - remember when you were sixteen and you read a book and it inspired you to do something that was totally against your upbringing? Me neither - because it never frigging happened.

Why is it that the people who are raised in the most 'moral' fundamentalist Christian households seem to always need the most protection from the evils of society? I remember born-again Christians being afraid that porn, Dungeons and Dragons, and the group Styx was going to totally corrupt their kid and lead them to murder or suicide or both. I personally think it's because they live in a community where they are constantly told what to think and that combined with the fact that they embrace magical thinking (i.e. The Devil is always who screws up things in your life) leads to a group of people with very weak wills. Think I am full of crap? Go see how many stories you can find about secular people being possessed.

I have nothing against Born Again Christian's when they are not all full of crazy. I have known a bunch and some seem normal, but I also know many that think anytime something goes wrong it is not their fault - it is The Devil. I suppose some people find comfort in assuming that nothing they do is ever within their control.

But I digress...

If this book had been required reading I could see John's point, he should have the right to determine what is appropriate for his kid, this however was not the case. Of course now that the ball is rolling maybe John wants to protect us all;

"I don't think it's age-appropriate for anyone," he said. "I don't think adults should be reading that junk. It's pornography.

Hey John - piss off. Censorship is for small minded little nancey-boys; if there is something you don't want to read, watch, or hear you can be a big boy and make that choice - but you don't get to make that choice for me.

John should really take this whole thing up with his kid - it has nothing to do with anyone else.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Jon Gosselin Clears The Family Bank Account - My last Jon and Kate Story


Over the weekend Jon has initiated part 3 of his plan for winning the hearts and minds of his children and the world;

Jon violated an arbitrator's rules and pulled hundreds of thousands of dollars out of his joint account with Kate, leaving her with only $1,000, a RadarOnline.com investigation uncovered.


This is where I would talk about what a total scumbag this guy is ....I know that you already know he is dick - but humor me.

I seriously get the impression (based on nothing other then hearsay and Internet clips) that Kate is a raving bitch, but maybe the reason she is like that is she regularly had sex with this sleazy prick. Maybe she thought if she married a mildly retarded loser that looks like his has been hit with a wee bit of a birth defect that he would make up for all of it by being a really nice guy with alot of inner beauty.

Good call. Instead he cheated on her, got her show delayed, cleared out her bank account, and probably gave her VD (I admit that last one is pure conjecture).

Let this be a lesson to all you teenage girls, no matter how ugly and stupid your boyfriend is he may not stick around after you have had a couple litters of children - so maybe just have kids in the traditional singles and doubles instead of the new trendy 'party size' litters. It is alot easier to be a single mother when you don't have more than half a dozen kids.

In his defense he probably needs the money until he starts getting the $30,ooo per appearance he wants in exchange for showing up at events and hanging out (here). Totally worth it - nothing says your party is a success like having a sleazy reality 'star' hanging out trying to hit on girls that would not usually bother to spit on him. Maybe he will even do that classy thing where he has one of his bodyguards walk over and ask a girl if she wants to have a drink with him. Pure fucking class.

Oh and congratulations Jon and Kate, you lasted about as long as the Spencer and Heidi Pratt did on my blogs. I am officially too bored to write anything else, so unless there is a bizarre murder or suicide or something I am not going to bother. I'm not making suggestions here btw - so if someone gets killed in this whole thing don't come blaming me.... or thanking me ... or whatever.



Thursday, October 1, 2009

If Jon Gosselin can't be on the show NO ONE WILL


I guess Jon's attempts to reconcile (here) didn't work and now it is time for plan B.

"Effective immediately, no production crews are to enter Jon's family home for any reason," a letter from his attorney said, according to "The Insider," which announced the news on CBS' "The Early Show."

I can't really blame him, he went all out and wrote that whole press release about wanting to save their marriage in time for him to be back on the show this season and he has given Kate a couple of days to take him back. What the hell else do you need?

He HAD to move to plan B and try to stop the show. Don't you people understand that love makes you do crazy shit? Where else is he going to get a television show?

It completes him... oh and the wife and kids he loves etc. etc.

I don't watch the show, but seeing these two in the media gives me the impression that they are both greedy, manipulative, narcissistic, asshats that probably should have had therapy to deal with whatever the hell made them this way instead of popping out two litters of kids.

But then what the hell do I know? I haven't even been on a reality show much less been the focus of one.

I am on Jon's side in this one though, I think the show should be cancelled too.


Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Kanye West pissed off again - don't deny him chicken


So I was thinking of writing an article about illegal immigration - but it's alot easier to just write about Kanye being a douche. Fortunately for me people have not figured out that you really don't want to invite him to anything, maybe in this case though Common thought he would be ok since it was a charity benefit and there were no awards involved.

There was however chicken...

The rapper was allegedly upset over his not being offered food while in the dressing room backstage. After spotting a man eating chicken, West blurted, "Why wasn't I offered chicken? You want me to perform for free, [and] everyone is eating... why am I not eating?"

Kanye knows what he wants and in this case he wants some damn chicken. Can someone get this man some chicken?

When the waitress explained that he never asked for food, 'Ye yelled, "Well, I'm asking now!" After receiving chicken, he allegedly proceeded to take a bite and then throw the rest in the trash. Meanwhile, the rapper's beau Amber Rose, stood silent, while other celebrities backstage watched in awe.

God I wish this story would have been about Kanye wanting some fish-sticks.


Here is where you can read the article about it.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Jon still loves Kate .... all it took was getting fired to realize it.


It's so fucking touching when people realize they are still in love shortly after losing the job that was predicated on them being married. Like a fairytale with AIDS.

If you are not all up on your useless pseudo-celebrity news TLC announced today that they decided to just run 'Kate plus 8' and leave Jon out of it. I've never seen the show but I'm guessing the more cast members you eliminate the better the show is going to be.

Here is the touching crap that Jon spewed not long after hearing he was going to have to get a job.

"Even though we were heading for a divorce, it appeared that Kate had been suffering from this divorce as much as I had. That's why I asked my attorney to put the brakes on this divorce so I could try to regain control over the future of our family. So Kate and I could join on a cooperative course that would benefit our family -- not destroy it," Jon tells In Touch Weekly.


Hey Kate - remember all that shit I said ... well that was before they fired me from the show -- now I just think we need to throw on the brakes play some Berry White and make another litter of babies together. You know you wanna.

The worst part of all this is that I even know about it. Fuck you reality T.V.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Sacramento Mother attacks her kids over the last pork chop



These must have been some good fucking pork chops...
Police say Chavonna Gough got upset with her 16-year-old and 19-year-old sons for eating the last pork chop. She allegedly hit one teen in the head and then punched him in the face. After that, police say she grabbed a knife from the kitchen and chased them out of the house.
I bet you assume the picture above this article is of the family involved..... but that is because you're retarded. That up there is 50's TV MILF Donna Reed - the mother involved is actually pictured below.

Now before you go thinking I am a racist or something keep in mind - I didn't tell her to do this shit.


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Insane Killer violates trust of Washington State during field trip to county fair .....wait what?


So I guess that in Washington state someone thought it would be a pretty good idea to take criminally insane murders to the county fair to hang out.

Seriously.

The field trip to the fair, which included 30 other patients, is an annual event

Amazingly enough this turned out to be a fucking stupid idea and 47 year old Phillip Paul, who is a diagnosed schizophrenic who murdered an old lady back in 1987, made a daring escape - and by 'daring escape' I mean he calmly walked away from the fair and went to a friends house to get a ride out of town.

I'm pretty sure whoever is in charge of the criminally insane in Washington state should be smarter than me, or if not smarter than me at least they should be smarter than the average child. Go ahead, ask your kid if taking an insane murderer to the fair is a good idea - not only will they say no theres a good chance they'll tell their teacher that their parent is a moron.

The only possible thing I can say for Washington state is that at least they had no indication that this guy might try to escape....

Spokane County sheriff's Detective Roger W. Knight, also nabbed Paul after he gave Eastern State personnel the slip in 1991 during a field trip in Medical Lake, where the mental institution is located, Knezovich said. Following that arrest, Paul knocked Knight unconscious in the jail booking area and was convicted of first-degree escape and second-degree assault.

....Knezovich expressed dismay that Paul aroused no suspicion when he left the mental institution with a backpack loaded with clothing, food, an electric guitar and $50 from a Social Security check.

Um....

So lets go over the checklist - criminally insane murderer whos been unfit for trial for 22 years thats attempted escape previously and attacked an officer following his last escape shows up for the field trip with a backpack full of supplies.....

Were the people in charge of the trip too busy passing around the sign up list for the big annual trip to Chuck-E-Cheese for the pedophiles to notice that this guy shouldn't be allowed to go to the fair?

They did catch three short days later...

"He stated he was 'done' and complied with their commands," he said. Knezovich added that Paul had a hand scythe — a long, curved blade attached to a handle — in his backpack but made no attempt to reach for it.

Well - at least it doesn't seem like there was any chance he would hurt anyone ... you know, other than the fact that he had picked up a scythe at some point during his 3 days of freedom. Maybe he was going to go into farming.

In light of all this Washington state has now called a halt to field trips for 'forensic patients' - which are patients in treatment due to criminal proceedings - in other words the criminally insane.

I think most people (even some of the stupid ones) would think that is a pretty good idea.


Monday, September 14, 2009

Kanye West is a Douche; the 2009 VMA Awards joins the list


I actually could have written the title of this post last week and had a pretty good chance of not having to change it. I also probably could have just titled it 'Kanye West is a douche' but I figured searching that phrase in Google would be kind of like searching the word 'The'.

This time our unstoppable force of social justice and artistic expression decided to take on the nefarious evil that is Taylor Swift after seeing she had the audacity to win the award for best female music video (i think) and actually was going to give an acceptance speech instead of an apology.

How fucking dare she.

Luckily our hero Kanye was right there to go up on stage and take the microphone, the moment, and some dignity from the 98 pound teenage girl;

Before she could continue, West broke in. “Yo Taylor, I’m really happy for you, I’ll let you finish, but Beyoncé has one of the best videos of all time. One of the best videos of all time!” Kanye shouted to a mortified Swift and the speechless audience. And as quickly as he ran onstage — MTV cut away to show Pink applauding Taylor, and when they flashed back to Swift, West already had the mic in his hand — he was off, leaving a shocked Swift in his wake.

That will teach her to make popular music and videos that appeal to people. I don't actually care about Taylor Swift, Beyonce, or who had the better video - but I have to admit that I felt pretty bad for both of them since basically after he held Taylor down and pissed on her moment he basically nodded over to Beyonce and said 'That was for you B' ... only he would have said it more angsty and artistic like.

Following him knocking a teenage girl down a peg he went back into the audience and the following took place but was not shown;

According to reports from inside the house, once cameras cut away from the action, West flipped off the crowd and returned to his seat. Wale then said to the crowd, "You can't blame a man for speaking his mind." His words were met with boos, and Wale then said, "Kanye, I tried." During the next commercial break, Pink walked by the rapper and appeared to shake her head in disgust before security escorted her away.

Fucking classy baby.

If you found his behavior shocking than it's possible you are retarded - or a moron ....I'm not sure which is the PC term for someone who is still amazed by their drunk uncle pulling a quarter from their ear or dazzled by peek-a-boo. I heard someone say "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior" I want to say it was one of my college professors but I think it might have actually been Dr. Phil - either way it fits here.

Just take a look at what I like to call 'The Kanye West Butthurt Continuum"

  • 2004 American Music Awards - Kanye losses Best New Artist to Gretchen Wilson, stomps out in protest and calls her a Redneck. He proclaims he was robbed and claims there is a massive conspiracy against him ..... I can't remember if it was all white people or just George W. Bush that was behind it.
  • 2006 European Music Awards - Kanye's video 'Touch the Sky' doesn't win best video and he decides the reasonable thing to do is go onstage and take the microphone from the actual winners and rant about being robbed.
  • 2007 Video Music Awards - Backstage meltdown over not getting to perform on the main stage because everyone is out to get him because he is so awesome. He was also pissed that Britney Spears opened the show instead of him.
  • 2008 Video Music Awards - Gets all butthurt because Britney Spears wins Best Female Video instead of Rihanna.

And those are only the award shows - I'm sure a complete Kanye Butthurt Continuum would include a crapload more rants from; interview clips, comments at concerts, drunken rants at bars, screaming matches at fast food counters... the list would go on and on.

Keep in mind he does have a pretty valid reason for getting pissed. Kanye has pointed out time and again that he is oppressed because he's black, and how fucked up is that? Imagine for just a moment that you're an oppressed black superstar that had ONLY won 42 of the 127 awards you had been nominated for! Imagine you are Kanye and have only won 12 Grammys out of the freaking 30 you have been nominated for. What the hell!?

Can't you people, just for one second, feel his pain!?

I know some people that think part of the problem is Kanye is a racist, but I don't know that I agree with them. Kanye has compared himself to Tom Cruise in the past, and you don't get much whiter than Tom Cruise, I think he's definitely ethnocentric - but that's not the same thing. I think a truer statement would be that part of the problem is Kanye thinks everyone else is a racist.

That would explain why I've never heard of him pulling this crap at the Vibe awards, because there he can't really assume they're persecuting him because he's black ....that or the fact that someone at the Vibe awards would beat his bitch ass down the minute he tried to take the mic.

Yeah, I think the second one too.



Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Tila Tequila claims Shawne Merriman choked her - I'm only shocked more people haven't

Tila called police and said that Shawne (linebacker for the S.D. Chargers) choked her in an attempt to keep her from leaving his house. The call to the police was made after 3AM, which is about the time that most really drunk people decide to really kick the stupid into overdrive.

Of course Tila claims that she was completely sober and is in fact allergic to alcohol. I know what you are thinking; this tramp is named after a fucking alcoholic beverage - but she claims that the name was meant to be ironic because she never drinks. Which makes perfect sense, like how they called Ken Bianchi 'The Hillside Strangler' even though some of the women he strangled were not on hillsides.

Of course her twitter tells a bit of a different story...

Shawne basically says that she was drunk off her ass and he was just trying to keep her from getting into her car and killing somebody. I tend to believe him based on the fact that it's Tila Tequila who from appearances seems to be a pathetic attention whore who is mostly famous for being a doing particulary trashy reality shows where she tries to decide if she is bisexual or not.

Not to mention the fact that Shawne is roughly the size of a house, I am a pretty tough guy but if he wanted me to stay at his house I don't think I would have alot of choice in the matter. If he wanted to keep Tila at his house I am pretty sure there would have been no call to the cops ... or anyone else for that matter. He is pictured below with what I presume is a normal sized man.

I want to go firmly on the record that I am against violence against women, I was pretty pissed that Chris Brown got off easy for giving his girlfriend a half hour long beating, but if Shawne did choke her a little bit I think we should give him a pass. I actually am surprised that pretty much anyone that is the least bit familiar with her doesn't run up and choke her. Hell I am just shocked that there isn't some kind of line you have to get in to do it.

Just like everything else with me this goes back to reality T.V. - which is what made me aware of this annoying bitch in the first place. I lost my point so time to stop writing.

You can read a news article about all this here is you really care.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Uncle Hatey is probably going to make you cry ... oh and he might make your ass bleed


My best friend in the world Uncle Hatey has decided to start a blog which you can read here which should be filled with good stuff.... especially if being anally raped by words is good stuff to you.

I should be updating more often again now that I have been cleared of all charges by the way.

Miss Universe Contest might be manipulated by Donald Trump - oh and water is wet..


Michael Schwandt (the choreographer of the Miss Universe Pageant) is claiming that Donald Trump picks the 15 Miss Universe finalists and then lets the judges pick the winner from among that stock. Reportedly he does this because in the past he feels that the judges were to stupid to tell who the hottest swimsuit models were.

This is shocking why?

I always assumed that Miss Universe was rigged, if not by Trump then by someone. Hell I am just shocked that the deciding factor is who Trump finds prettiest instead of who will blow him - you know, like how they picked Hollywood Starlets in the old days ....yeah ... the old days.

Miss Universe and Miss America are basically just like any other reality show, the producers are framing out a story of sorts and presenting you with something they think will get ratings. This is no different than the judges in American Idol or So You Think You Can Dance, or Dancing with the (kinda) Stars pimping their favorites to try to pick the winner.

Actually it is a little different. In those shows people vote, so the judges sometimes don't get their way. In fact I would like to think that sometimes all the pimping makes the public backlash against the contestant being pimped - in this one Trump basically just gets his way.

I am not going to say anything snide about the 15 being picked before the interview and question portion of the contest because I presume we all knew that they never had an impact on the outcome of the Pageant.

Seriously is anyone fucking surprised that his other entertainment franchises are not really basically just like Celebrity Apprentice -- just be glad Joan Rivers is not competing in Miss Universe or he would probably hand her that too.

Seriously fuck Donald Trump, and if you are reading this Donald ... please don't have me killed.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Blogger and Journalist are not synonymous

I came back from a short holiday from writing to find a comment on one of my hubpages (here) from someone calling themselves riley who was so overcome with whatever the hell they were feeling that they felt the need to put me in my place.

The first post was nothing worth thinking about but the persons second post did bring up something that I do kind of care about...

riley says:

26 hours ago

and way to prove her point for sustaining the belief that theres a video leak out there without fact-checking. oustanding journalism, you got going on.


This comment would be hilarious if it were not for the fact that it's not the first time I've seen someone complain that a blogger (and not just me) did not have journalistic integrity.

I personally don't - but that's just because I'm not a fucking journalist except in the loosest possible definition. I'm a blogger that writes about shit that I find humorous or that pisses me off or both. Pretty much 'fact checking' for me only goes as far as making sure I didn't completely make it up in my head and my integrity extends only to the fact that I don't make up a quote or story out of thin air.

Lets take a look at the definition of journalism;

  • Main Entry: jour·nal·ism
  • Pronunciation: \ˈjÉ™r-nÉ™-ËŒli-zÉ™m\
  • Function: noun
  • Date: 1828

1 a : the collection and editing of news for presentation through the media b : the public press c : an academic study concerned with the collection and editing of news or the management of a news medium 2 a : writing designed for publication in a newspaper or magazine b : writing characterized by a direct presentation of facts or description of events without an attempt at interpretation c : writing designed to appeal to current popular taste or public interest


So I guess if you go by 2C I (and alot of other bloggers) might possibly squeak by as journalists - keep in mind though 2C does not mention anything about; facts, academia, or news.

Definition 2C aside, when people talk about journalists and lofty notions of journalism I doubt very much they are talking about me or any of the other idiots that write (barely) entertaining articles that make fun of celebrities because we think they are stupider than we are.

I bet if you walked up to Dan Walters from the Sacramento Bee or Gerald Marzorati and referred to private bloggers as journalists they punch you right in the mouth. In the case of Dan Walters he would probably kick your ass until someone pulled him off - because I think that might be how he rolls. Hell for that matter walk up to Gordon Ramsey and hand him a grilled cheese sandwich and tell him about how you are a Chef too - let me know how he responds.

I know some professional journalists blog, but most of us are not one of them. If you self publish articles it does not make you a journalist and if you make up your own Internet 'radio' show it does not make you a talk show host any more than playing Mobsters on Facebook makes you a frigging mob boss. I read a quote from a novelist once that said essentially that if you are not cashing checks from a publisher you are not a writer - you're just someone who writes.

I guess 'journalist' is just going to be another of those words that have been watered down to the point of being pretty much meaningless - like calling reality contestants celebrities or calling anyone who disagrees with you a nazi.





Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Alex Da Silva - So You Think You Can Dance? Well sir you can certainly rape (allegedly)


Remember way back in April when Alex Da Silva was arrested for raping one of the dancers he choreographed? Well the D.A. declined to prosecute - see that pisses me off when the press goes all out on a celebrity when they are arrested but never let you know when they are exonerated....

Cops say Alex Da Silva was arrested this morning at his North Hollywood home, after the District Attorney filed an arrest warrant charging him with eight felony counts of assault.

That includes four counts of forcible rape, two counts of assault with intent to commit rape and two counts of sexual penetration by a foreign object.

The D.A. says the alleged assaults occurred between August 2002 and March 2009. The four alleged victims were between the ages of 20 and 26 and were all dancers or aspiring dancers who say they met Alex through his dance instruction classes.

Oh ... well ... I stand corrected.

Would it be in bad taste right now to point out how hot some of the dancers are on that show? Two of them were hot enough to make me willing to sit through Dancing with the Stars (and they are pretty liberal with the use of the word 'Star" btw) when they ended up on that show.

.... This post is going to a bad place and I can't see this ending well so lets just stop here.



Thursday, August 13, 2009

Self Magazine and the Kelly Clarkson Cover - Why it is ok to lie.


Self magazine retouched the photo of Kelly Clarkson that they used on their cover; that's old news and in fact I ignored it when it first happened for two reasons one of which is that I don't care .... the other is ... well ok there was just one reason after all. The picture above is the magazine cover and a picture of Kelly from a performance that apparently took place on July 31st 2009 - so I am not going out of my way to be unfair.

Following the initial Internet furor (or whatever) an editor came out and said that the cover used an altered photo and that should have been the end of it;
Last Friday, the Internet was abuzz with the fact that I answered the question, did you Photoshop the September issue cover photo of Kelly Clarkson? with the answer: Yes. Of course we do retouching
Now however the editor is back to explain that by retouched she meant magically altered to show the real person that is hidden from us all;
She is, like her music, giving and strong and confident and full of gusto. Did we alter her appearance? Only to make her look her personal best. Did we publish an act of fiction? No. Not unless you think all photos are that. But in the sense that Kelly is the picture of confidence, and she truly is, then I think this photo is the truest we have ever put out there on the newsstand.
Wait - so how the hell are all pictures an act of fiction? I've taken alot of pictures of people (sometimes with them knowing) and the un-retouched photo looks just like the person I pointed the camera at. The person may not like the picture but that's what they look like. How exactly is that a lie? For that matter if I then take a picture and retouch it to make them look like Wonder Woman instead of like Khloe Kardashian is that the truth because it shows her freaking inner spirit?

Does this also extend beyond pictures by the way? Because if it does than the next time I send out a resume I am going say that I went to Harvard and got my Doctorate in awesome, then paste a picture of me retouched to look like Optimus Prime - because that all shows my inner spirit of confidence and gusto.

If you really want to read more bullshit about why it is ok to lie you can see the article here.


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Intercollegiate Quidditch Association - Dignity and Glory for the socially challenged


So it has been a little over 4 years since Collegiate Quidditch was founded during what I presume was a drunken party at Middlebury and it is now supposedly at 160 colleges including; Vassar, Princeton, and a bunch of other schools I probably couldn't get into.

Actually I cheated and posted that in from the article I wrote Here.

My wife reminded me after I wrote the article that I she actually told me about this a couple of years ago - but back then I didn't write humor I would hear something stupid and say a few witty things an never think of it again.

Now I put some of my thoughts here on the Internet for - surprisingly - hundreds of people to 'enjoy' or something.

Anyway - articles that do not fit my chosen subject matter here end up over at hubpages - just look for the KJWonka label to know that you are reading the very best that I could do in the time I would take away from competative masturbation.

LiveJournal users mad about the deletion of Harry Potter porn .... seriously.


Whenever I think that the internet has lost the ability to surprise me it will inevitably slam down it's bones and look at me with a smirk and say 'Domino Motherfucker' - that's right, in my mind the internet is a giant electronic version of Ice-Cube.

LiveJournal users who patronize sex-themed Harry Potter fan art and fiction communities--and a host of other concerned users--are revolting a second time over account suspension notices they say are unpredictable and trample on their free-expression rights..... The users' journal entries contained "drawings depicting minors in explicit sexual situations,"

The shock didn't come from the illustrated pictures of the presumably underaged Harry Potter characters naked and having sex with each other - no the shock came from the fact that there are people that are publicly pissed off that the people over at LiveJournal removed it.

In (one case), the offending image depicted an unclothed Harry Potter of ambiguous age receiving oral sex from sometimes-villain Severus Snape.

Seriously - this is the issue you want to stand up and be recognized for? You want to stand and be counted so you can protect the rights of people to see pictures of Snape pleasuring Harry Potter? I think even the most hardcore (non-insane) ACLU member is backing away from this hoping he doesn't get any sad on his shoes.

I've said several times that I am not by any means a prude (like here and here), but the frigging internet is making me feel like little miss moral outrage lately.

Domino indeed.




Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Heidi and Spencer Pratt classy up the G.I. Joe opening


Heidi and Spencer decided that the G.I. Joe movie was not enough of a parade of suck so they threw in their efforts to classy it up a bit. Believe me - nothing says classy like showing your wife on the cover of Playboy at the opening of a movie based (poorly) off a cartoon for kids.

It is heartwarming to see a man pimp his wife at every possible opportunity.

This is shorter than most of my posts but there is not much to say about these two whores, I suppose they will soon come up with some other stunt to get attention - maybe next time it will be something that I can write a bit more about or find some actual humor in.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

John Hughes is dead


John Hughes died today at the age of 59 from a heart attack.

Like anyone in my age range I grew up on John Hughes movies, and they seemed not completely unrealistic to me back in Junior High and High School. I grew up in a smallish mill town so maybe that is why his movies had some feeling of legitimacy for me.

I am not really aware of anything he has done recently - for all I know I have watched a bunch of his movies in the last few years. I do know that whether or not there was any real social relevance to them for alot of us his movies were part of our formative years.


Leighton Meester Sex Tape Scandal; Leighton says it is fake ... maybe.


I have seen stories of a possible Leighton Meester sex tape floating around for awhile, and I honestly did not give a shit because I didn't have the first clue who the hell she was.

Now one of the other celebrity gossip hacks have made me understand that she is in Gossip Girl, which changes everything - or it would if I had ever seen it or had more than a vague notion of what it is.

I am now finally interested because of her recent comments in Harper's Bazaar;

"[The tape] is not real," she says bluntly, "so it makes me sort of sad. It's unfortunate that it got carried as far as it did." She pauses. "I definitely understand the nature of people better now and that the mere allegation of something like that could be headline news. People think it's real because somebody says it is." She takes a sip of her Coke. "By the way, [as for] me being 18 in those pictures, I don't believe I was."

Oh, thanks that clears up everything. You did not appear in a sex tape and that obviously isn't you - oh and you are pretty sure you were not eighteen yet in your sex tape that you definitely did not appear in.

This kind of reminds me of when Erin Andrews from EPSN (allegedly) starred in that peeping tom video a few months ago and no one had any clue until ESPN started totally denying it and sending out cease and desist orders like they were candy.

"That is totally not Erin Andrews so take that shit down now before we sue you for showing a hidden camera tape of Erin Andrews naked."

I saw it by the way, there were alot of script problems but the production values were pretty good for being filmed through a keyhole or whatever.

Harper's Bazaar Article is here by the way.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Thank God - finally a toy that teaches pre-teens how to breastfeed! Excuse me while I bleach my brain.


We all know that teen pregnancy rocks, I mean who doesn't want their daughter to get pregnant as early and often as possible?

Oh yeah - those of us that are not fucking insane. Of course there are those other guys;

A Spanish toymaker known as Berjuan has developed a breast-feeding doll that comes with a special halter top its young "mothers" wear as they pretend to breast-feed their "babies." The halter top has daisies that cover the little girls’ nipples and come undone just as easily as the flaps of a nursing bra would.

Seriously, I am not a prude - hell I am an insanely permissive person.

You want to watch porn? I say watch all the porn you can. You want to smoke weed? None of my business - help yourself to some crack for all I care. You are a dude that wants to marry a dude, screw it marry three of them and send me an invite to the wedding - we will buy you something nice.

You want to watch your preteen daughter pretend to breastfeed her doll that comes complete with a special halter-top with easy open nipple covers? Sorry there partner, I gotta ask you to leave because I don't want the 'To Catch A Predator' people to knock stuff over when they are here filming you.

Maybe I am not being fair, oh wait;

The halter top has daisies that cover the little girls’ nipples and come undone just as easily as the flaps of a nursing bra would.

yeah - I am being fair.

I really hate being in the position of expressing moral outrage, because keep in mind that I write stupid articles about even stupider celebrities and I mention porn in probably half my posts.

But this toy is freaking creepy.

I am not one of those people that hear about 'Pregnancy Barbie' and scream that it is going to ruin society and make a bunch of kids get pregnant. I doubt that pregnancy is going to shoot up because of pregnant dolls(but by all means kids, prove me wrong.) and for that matter I am also not against breastfeeding at all. It is when you combine the two - children's toys and breastfeeding - that I start to think that there could be a serious mismatch. Hell I would not even sweat a Barbie that breastfed another doll, but this is your freaking daughter breastfeeding a doll.

I hate being all moral majority and shit but this whole thing is just creepy.

Link so that no one thinks I am making it up;

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,537261,00.html?test=latestnews

Paula Abdul is off American Idol; where will contestants go for drunken rambling now!?


I could not be happier to be wrong, when I first posted about Paula Abdul having contract issues (here) I had cynically assumed it was just more stupid fabricated reality show drama but her twitter proved me wrong;
"With sadness in my heart, I've decided not to return to #IDOL. I'll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all ...being a part of a show that I helped from day1become an international phenomenon ... What I want to say most, is how much I appreciate the undying support and enormous love that you have showered upon me ... It truly has been breathtaking, especially over the past month ... I do without any doubt have the BEST fans in the entire world and I love you all."
I have to admit I don't give a shit about the show after they pick their top 10 or 20 or whatever it is they let people vote on. I only enjoy the sweet delicious tears of anguish that they serve in abundance during auditions and Hollywood week. Sometimes the chick I live with (my wife) makes me watch the rest, but I try my best to think about porn instead.

I don't know where the contestants are going to turn for meaningless pseudo-optimistic drivel now that they cannot rely on Paula (and Jack Daniels) to 'critique' their singing and tell them how truly special and gifted they are ... what will Paula cry for now that she can no longer do it for armature singers!!??

The only thing that could make this story better for me is if instead of a twitter she posted a you tube video so we could see both the crazy and the defeat in her gin blurred eyes.

Yeah - I do know how freaking mean I sound right now - but the sad and crazy of this woman has made me that way. If they fired this woman into the sun I promise you it would still be funny to me.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Kim Jong Il Pardons Reporters; Cinton asks for a wet-wipe for his hand

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Bill Clinton and Kim Jong Il; When attention whores collide


So the reason presented for Bill Clinton deciding to pop over to North Korea is to see if he could negotiate the release of the two reporters (Laura Ling and Euna Lee) that work for his ex-veep Al Gore.

I guess no one told these two broads that communist countries hate when you hang out and try to interview people fleeing their iron clutches. It also is a bad idea to drip scalding hot wax on your genitals, but I think I would do that before I would hang out on the border between North Korea and China - who, ironically, after catching you drip scalding hot wax on your genitals by the way.

Anyway....

Since I really like pointing out obvious stuff let me just mention that we all know that perhaps the main reason for Bill Clinton going to North Korea, and the reason he has been welcomed, is because he and Kim Jong Il are both huge attention whores that hate feeling irrelevant. You might not have noticed during the last election cycle but Bill Clinton REALLY likes attention, even more than most politicians - hell even more than most Hollywood 'celebutantes' (I hate myself for using that word) ... basically I am saying that Bill Clinton is like Paris Hilton without a vagina.

As far as Kim Jong Il - what the hell can you say? The guy makes his citizens worship him like a God and eats pizza and watches porn while his people are starving. The guy has actually kidnapped actors and directors to try to make them do his film projects for him, seriously he is like a villain I would make up if I were really drunk - he is 'space emperor cult leader' crazy.

This meeting is the best thing to happen to these two in awhile, both of them get to pretend they are as important as they both desperately want to be. Just add Lindsay Lohan to this and it basically would have been the dream team of sad, self absorbed, attention starved whores.

Oh - and I am sure the reporters will get released by the way, Kim is basically getting a ransom paid to him with attention as the currency. I am glad they are probably going to be able to come home, I just hate the fact that an ex-president had to go give a metaphorical hand-job to a crazy ass dictator to do it - and I hate even more that the former president was probably happy to do it.




Monday, August 3, 2009

Travel tip: they whip you for wearing pants in Sudan.


At least they do if you make the mistake of having a vagina. A journalist and some other women discovered that fun fact when they were arrested in Sudan for wearing pants - the Fox news article says 12 but I think that is a typo; I guess they just don't have the same high standards as IPHY.

Apparently when broads make the horrible mistake of wearing pants out in public Allah or Xenu or whoever rules over the people in the Sudan has decreed that they have to be whipped 40 times. Which is perfectly fair and reasonable if you are fucking insane.

Possibly also insane is the stance the pants wearing journalist is taking;

"If I'm sentenced to be whipped, or to anything else, I will appeal. I will see it through to the end, to the constitutional court if necessary," she said. "And if the constitutional court says the law is constitutional, I'm ready to be whipped not 40 but 40,000 times."

She works for the U.N. so she has immunity but she has waived it to prove a point.... the point being I guess that she thinks something might change if she gets whipped for wearing pants.

I hate to break it to her but no one is going to care five minutes after the whipping is finished, in fact no one is going to care by the 7th lash. It's not news to anyone that Muslim countries by and large treat women like shit, I think I extend more rights to my German Shepards than most Muslim women have. I know I whip them a hell of alot less and I would not get all pissed if one of them started wearing a jaunty pair of pants.

Since 'The West' has decided it's intolerant to point out how much another culture sucks, no matter how fucking backwards and barbaric it is, I would not hold my breath on anyone in the first world getting too worked up over this for long.

So basically Ms. Lubna Ahmed Al-Hussien is going to get whipped for wearing pants and nothing is going to change... sucks.

Eh - turns out I did not create any humor with this one, I should have skipped the subject just like I did when that woman ate her baby last week.

Link to article;




Friday, July 31, 2009

Hey Chris Brown how are the anger managment classes going?


So Chris Brown got pissed at ... well ... something at a bowling alley...
"He definitely looked like he was being forced to leave, like his friends knew it was in his best interest," says the eyewitness. "He was acting kind of crazy, partying too much, and making moves on a really young-looking girl."
Notice that he took the time to hit on a young girl on the way out - looks like some lucky lady is going to be treated like a star .... an R&B star.

Yeah I know the joke sucked, but that is why I don't usually update on Fridays. Anyone dating Chris Brown should probably learn the chart above.

Link below;

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Stimulus money to support Pornography


But only artistic porn, you know the type that only really screwed up kinky wackjobs get off on. I am all for doing pretty much anything to promote porn - except pay for it. Apparently the government has not heard of the Internet - hey Barrack, you can get all the porn you want for free just email me and I will hook you up with some good sites.

This is what some of your tax money paid for;
A few of their more risque choices have some taxpayer advocates hot under the collar, including a $50,000 infusion for the Frameline film house, which recently screened Thundercrack, "the world's only underground kinky art porno horror film, complete with four men, three women and a gorilla."

Honestly who wants to see an orgy with four men three women and a gorilla?

Ok well, I guess when you put it like that I want to see it.... but mostly just out of curiosity not to masturbate ....probably.

Seriously, I can get plenty of porn without the government kicking down any money - and this artistic shit sounds a little out there even by my standards. If you really just want to fund something in the arts how about a contemporary dance ensemble or a Taiko group, is that not edgy enough for stimulus money?

Here is a link to the whole article;